Who I Am
by elejamie
Summary: A reluctant author decides to take a break from writing one terrible story to write another. Oh, and Edd explains his love life and all that. First in The Keveddarie (Kevin/Edd/Marie) Saga, also Marie/semi-OC. Rated T for a few reasons. Riba.


Who I Am

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. Although this story borrows some elements from it (and, indeed, there are a few ideas taken from other stores; you'll be credited in the closing Author's Notes), this isn't part of the Edarchy universe. Also, this story may seem yaoi-y, it leans much closer to bara. What is that last one, you may ask? See below.

A/N: After complaining about this for a while, I decided to join in this Keveddpalooza. But this is different than the other stories. For reasons you'll soon find out. Apart from the fact that I'm actually a guy. I should also say that I don't actually support the Kevedd ship (or, indeed, ANY ship); I've never really been that crazy about shipping (I might've done when I was younger, but I don't really like talking about that). Oh, and by the way, it doesn't matter whether or not you support this ship, you're more than welcome to use the term "Keveddpalooza" to describe this spate of Kevedd fanstuff. Either way, I'm trying to write this from Edd's perspective, so if there's anything brackets, that's just him uttering under his breath, making an aside comment or something similar. Not to mention I tried to keep it as "PG-13" as possible.

And to those wondering what bara is: It's like yaoi, in the sense that it's a male/male love story. However, it's written for and [usually] by gay/bi men. It's also more realistic (which makes sense, knowing its target audience), doesn't have that seme/uke crap (if it did, it's normally the manly guy on the bottom) and the men are muscular, hairy or overweight (or some combination). In other words, it's basically like this: If yaoi is Justin Bieber and One Direction, then bara is Rob Halford and Freddie Mercury. So yeah, whilst I am trying to be realistic with the topic of bisexuality (which makes sense. If you've read Chapter 24 of Edarchy or been on my profile, you'll find out that I am indeed an openly bi male), I'm hoping that my depiction of... something I can't reveal because of spoilers... is somewhat accurate. Alright, now that I've said what I needed to, I'll get started.

* * *

Hello, my name is Eddward. My friends call me "Double D" for short, mostly so they don't confuse me with one of my friends, named Edward, or Ed for short. And I wish to share with you my tale of realisation, relationships and various other words that begin with the letter R. I would offer you a cigarette, but I highly doubt you smoke. I certainly don't recommend it. But I shall still tell you my story.

It all started on a crisp November day; a Monday to be precise. I was 17 at the time - my birthday being the month before - which, where I lived, meant that it was perfectly legal for me to have... intimate relations with another person. It was also around this time that I heard a rumour. Supposedly, it was that I was going to come out as a homosexual. Furthermore, I also heard that a few people started gambling on the outcome. I ignored it at first, but then I then decided that I could use this opportunity to reveal something I've been meaning to.

So I sent out an invitation to my friends that I had something important to tell. I instructed everyone to congregate at The Pit at precisely 5:00pm. And, as predicted, they showed up. All the main people from my youth were there - Kevin, the neighbourhood jock; Jonny, the local madman who still had Plank - a slab of wood with a face crudely drawn on in crayon - after all these years; and even the Kanker Sisters - the trio who had been making our lives hell for so long. Everyone else were in their normal clothes, whereas I was dressed in a suit and tie, much like the one I wore back in Junior High. After I cleared my throat, I began speaking. 'I assume you acknowledge the reasons why I have gathered you all here today?'

There was some mumbling. I guessed that it meant that they knew. 'I have heard the rumours about me and I would like to discuss it. For, you see...' I then saw a few people rubbing their hands, clenching their fists or crossing their fingers. 'I have realised this about myself for a while and I think that now is the moment to explain it.' I took a deep breath, seeing and hearing people getting ready to celebrate. 'I just want you all to know something about me. And you will learn it now. I am a bisexual male.'

Everyone else fell silent, presumably because they didn't know what bisexuality was. So, inevitably, I had to explain it to them. 'Bisexuality is where you are attracted to both males and females. I am not greedy. I am not indecisive. I am not an attention whore. And I am not a vicious sociopath. I am just a person - like you - who just so happens to show feelings for men and women.'

At first I felt guilty and immediately started regretting this decision. I could feel it as they stared at me with their judging eyes. Then, out of nowhere, an unlikely ally stepped forth. 'Ya guys should listen to him.' It was Eddy. 'I mean, I came out as pan to my parents months ago. Sure, they divorced a while later, but I don't regret it.'

'Dorky's right.' Kevin also voiced his support. It almost seemed too good to be true. I expected to shunned, ostracised, outcasted and sent to Coventry. But, luckily, this didn't happen. ''Sides, he's why we've gotten so many medals and trophies for running. You fuck with him, you fuck with me.' He then began to look angered, then almost quizzical. 'And you wanna know something? I'm bi too. There, I said it.'

Everyone began to look shocked. Two of Peach Creek High's top athletes - a runner and the quarterback of the school football team - have publicly revealed their attraction to males and females. Granted, we had told a small group of people about it but news does tend to travel fast. And the school, if they decided to be like that of course, would be in a bit of a conundrum - If they had expelled us or forcibly removed us from our athletics clubs, then the future of the school's athletics program would hang in the balance. Thankfully, our state had plenty of anti-discriminatory laws, thus ensuring our protection.

As I walked away from The Pit, I could hear Eddy celebrating as he won $120 from a bet. I assume he spent it on cannabis or alcohol, purchased with some form of false identification. Then Kevin ran up beside me. 'You wanna go to the gym? I've been meaning to go 'cos of the football on Friday.'

'I suppose.' I replied. 'After all, I have practice tomorrow.'

And, indeed, we did end up - as they say - "hitting the gym". He mainly lifted weights, whereas I spent my time on the treadmill. It was there where we found out we had a few things in common, but we mainly discussed sports and various things about it, like planning and statistics. We even threw in a couple of what-ifs, like "What if we had a competent team when we faced off against Lemon Brook?"

And, as he got onto the treadmill, he asked me something. 'So Double Dor- Er... Double D, how did you get into running?'

'Why do you ask? Did you not read that interview I gave to the school newspaper after I won that track meet?'

'Nah, don't read the paper.' He then turned it on and decided to go steady on it.

'Very well.' I then began. 'In Sophomore year, I found at that, if I fail physical education, then I would have to be held back a year. I tried playing football and soccer, but I wasn't very good at it. And the less said about my attempts at gymnastics, the better.' I then decided to slow down to a leisurely pace. 'So I eventually considering doing athletics. At first, I wasn't all that good with it, but I trained hard and here I am now.'

'Cool.'

And it was that very moment when we realised how we felt about each other. We started viewing each other in a different light. We had become... friends. And, unlike that lazily done attempt to wrap up our movie, this didn't feel thrown in at the last minute, nor had he tried killing me several hours prior. He and I just... started hanging out. We respected each other's company, but that was about it. Ed was too busy reading his comics and listening to his heavy metal music to really join in with any sports-related activities and, although we still kept in touch from time to time, Eddy - who was no longer this brash, infamous con artist but rather a cynical alcoholic - spent more time with the stoners than any of his other friends. But I still respected their company and didn't hesitate to join them in socialising, despite the fact that Kevin sometimes get involved - but not the point where he seemed like a stalker. Besides, who says you can't add to your circle of friends?

However, something quite... bizarre... occurred five months afterwards. Kevin and I were working out in his home gym, which was actually a bunch of weights and a few exercising machines in his garage. He and I had finished a long workout, where he helped me a little bit with my upper body strength. Afterwards, I had asked for a towel to wipe myself off. He passed me a bright blue beach towel he bought on vacation a few years ago. After wiping the sweat away from my face, I said to him. 'Thanks, Kevin. I must say, I'm starting to...'

Just before I could finish my sentence, Kevin interrupted me. Do you want to know how? He kissed me on the lips. Maybe it was the thought of us together, as we both shirtless, sweating and - in my case - slightly muscular. Maybe it was something else. And you want to know something else? I kissed him back, albeit out of confusion and experimentation. He wasn't that bad a kisser, which is one small explanation for his on-off relationship with Nazz. After about ten seconds of - as they say "lip-locking" - we broke apart and breathed heavily, mostly because we were still exhausted from exercising. 'Whoa. I dunno what come over me. Dunno why I did that.'

'I know. I'm perplexed too.' I then began to towel off my long, flowing BLACK hair. I honestly don't understand why you people think I am blond. But that's irrelevant. 'But why did you do that? Why me?'

'I dunno.' He then sported an unusual expression; a possible combination of confusion, sadness and constipation. 'I wouldn't have done that to you years ago.'

'Hm...' I sighed. 'Please don't remind me. Back when I was so abnormally weak, it seemed like you could snap my limbs off as if they were twigs. Back when I was so cowardly, I daren't take a step fearing I'd catch a plethora of unhealthy microbes.' My heart rate slowly began returning to its resting pace, although I didn't notice this. I'm surprised that I managed to recollect it! 'Trust me, I'm slowly but surely overcoming my mysophobia. And I am starting to "loosen up", being less of a "snitch".'

'Good. But now, you've manned up. That's hot.'

'Kevin, you have to remember that I am more interested in expanding my brain as opposed to expanding my muscles.'

'I know that. I ain't stopping you. Just try not to be too wussy.'

'Helpful advice.' I said, with a slight air of sarcasm. 'I will try to keep that in mind.

We both kissed again; this time I was more prepared and less confused. 'I'll go down to pharmacy and pick up a box of condoms and some lube.' And, indeed, he did. When came back, we then proceeded to... I can't say, seeing as there's children about. But you understand what I mean. All I can reveal is that, for our first... encounter, as I shall euphemise them... I was on top. After I had finished, we had changed round. That is all I'm going to reveal about that fateful March evening, seeing as it gets a little risqué.

When the school found out we were a couple, I was at first paranoid, mostly because of how it's unusual that the quarterback is dating a [male] member of the track team as opposed to the head cheerleader. But, surprisingly, we were welcomed with open arms. Even the football team, who tend to make homophobic slurs most of the time - seemed alright with it. We were graced as "Peach Creek High's power couple". It's as if I died. Again. Though were I ended up this time remains a mystery, even to me.

Sadly, the good times didn't last all that long. We mutually broke up six months after we got together. During our time, we had racked up quite a few awards in the school for our chosen fields. We still remained friends, though. A few people tried to make us get back together, to the point of there being a campaign for us being the first gay prom couple. It didn't suffice and, on the night of our Senior Prom, Kevin went with Nazz and I went with Marie. And, much like with Kevin, we ended up becoming friends, despite the fact that she had made my youth hell for so long.

* * *

Now we move onto a few years later, when I was 23. I was currently dating Marie, as I had been for roughly two years. It's quite amazing really, seeing how she went from a harpy who would be amorous every opportunity she got, to this sarcastic realist who relieved stress. She herself joined myself and Kevin in the long list of bisexuals, stating that she had some unrequited feelings for Nazz, who was dating Kevin until last year; Gerta - Rolf's ex-girlfriend, which actually upset me as they were a great couple; and a girl she met once at a party. It's a long, separate and vaguely uninteresting story about how we got together, so I shall save that for another day. Or maybe someone else will do it for me.

Together, she and I lived in a reasonably-sized apartment which was situated not too far from the cul-de-sac where I grew up. She worked in a bar, whereas I worked in a coffee shop. Thankfully, by the end of each week, we always have enough money to get by. And not just because my parents send me money, probably to remind themselves that they have a son. We tried budgeting things like food, bills and cigarettes for me, as I took up smoking a while ago (which was a bad idea). And, every time, there was a reasonable amount of money left over.

But I won't bore you with details like that. Nor shall I interrupt this story with how I began smoking cigarettes. That too will be saved for another day. But rather I shall tell you about another thing that happened around this time. About someone who returned to my love life after a long hiatus. The return of... You know who. I won't say his name, because it's so blatantly obvious as to who it is.

I still remember the whole thing. It wasn't one of those moments where I was fearing for my life, but it did make me feel paranoid. Marie was lounging on the couch watching a show about automobiles, whereas I was on my computer playing Half-Life. I was at the dam, trying to shoot down the helicopter. Suddenly, we heard the doorbell ring. I paused my game, headed over to the intercom and told them to come in. As I heard footsteps, I was planning to resume my game when I heard a knock on the door. I walked over and opened the door. I saw him. 'Hey Double D.'

'Hello, Kevin. Do you want to come in?' Without saying a word, he nodded, walked in and sat down on the couch next to Marie. She briefly looked at him and made an expression that seemed like she was faintly disgusted before turning back to the television. He didn't notice this. 'So how can I help you?'

He sighed. 'Nazz and I broke up again. And you were the only person I could turn to.'

'Why not Jonny? He's your friend.'

'He's gone with his parents to Goa.'

'Goa Street's not too far away.' I said, unaware that I had embarrassed myself. I don't know why I said that but, then again, I also ruined one of Eddy's schemes because I had put the batteries in the wrong way round. So, as you can see, I'm not this omniscient messiah figure everyone thinks I am.

'India.' He corrected me.

'Yes.' I went a light shade of red. 'We all tend to make mistakes.' I then returned to my normal colour.

'So yeah,' Kevin said. 'Hope you don't mind me staying here a little while.'

'It's fine. What about you, Marie?'

'Yeah, whatever.' She said, more interested in her show than Kevin's welfare. Maybe the show was that interesting to her or maybe she didn't like the fact that I've invited my ex-boyfriend into my home.

Later that night, Marie and I were in my bedroom. I was reading a book - Animal Farm by George Orwell, which is actually a very decent book - whereas she was just lying there. She then turned to me and wanted to know if we should... you know... Hope you do. I placed my bookmark in one of the pages, closed the book and put it back on my nightstand. She and I began what is known as "making out". While we were doing that, I somehow managed to open a draw and pull out a condom. Just before I was about to properly use it, Kevin walked into the room. 'Hey dorks, I just wanted to...' As he looked at us in bed, he stopped speaking.

'Ya see why it's a bad idea havin your ex here?' Marie pointed out the obvious.

'Hey, it's not like I wanted Nazz to kick me out!' Kevin said.

'She's pretty, ain't she?' Marie said to herself.

'Who ya gonna choose, Double D? Me or her?' Kevin issued an ultimatum. He also explained something to Marie: 'By the way, Nazz sadly doesn't swing that way. She's for gay rights and all that, but she doesn't have any interest in girls.'

I was caught in a Catch-22. A Morton's Fork, if you will. I had to choose between Marie and Kevin, despite the fact that I didn't really want to choose. Remembering this still makes me redundantly redundant and nonsensical, much like I was back then. After a minute or two to think about it I said something that I would still regret. 'Both.' Marie and Kevin looked confused when I said this, but I had to explain. 'I know this is stereotypical and cliché, but why can't we try this thing I read about? It's called "polyamory" and it involves involves all three of us being a couple - with our consent of course.'

Everyone else was silent for a little while. I had this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. Eventually, Marie sighed and said 'Fine.' She then turned to Kevin. 'Ya better have a condom or two.'

It was at that point that I couldn't believe it. Some wild idea I had was actually working. But you have to bear in mind that I may be making up a few things, some of which to suite a younger audience or to make me seem like the protagonist. Some of this may have happened, some of it might not have. You're surprised how this "goody-two-shoes" is seemingly able to alter the truth. But let's not talk about that. What I will say is that night - and, indeed, throughout the whole arrangement - Kevin, Marie and I took turns being top and bottom, which is actually possible if you know what you are doing. I will also say that, much like the time when we were dating, Kevin joined me for early morning runs and I accompanied him to the gym whenever it was convenient.

* * *

At first, Kevin and Marie didn't get on well with each other. There were moments when I was afraid to leave the apartment for some unspecified reason. A week after it began, they started to tolerate each other's presence, but that didn't mean that they would still enjoy each other's company. It was the calmest I felt in a while, but a part of me was still paranoid about whether or not it would last.

About a month after this "meta-relationship" began, I heard the doorbell ring. I couldn't answer it, seeing as I was busy in the kitchen. Sadly, I can't recall what I was doing in there, presumably making myself something to eat as I spent some time in there. Kevin was at work, as he's the current coach for the Peach Creek High football team. At first the school was unsure about whether or not to hire him. But then they remembered that he was one of their best players when he was still being educated there and handed the job to him without saying a word. He's well known for his strict-but-fair methods of coaching. And, indeed, there he is as respected today as he was then. If that made sense.

Sorry, I got distracted and went off on a tangent. As I was saying, someone rang the doorbell. Marie, who wasn't doing anything relatively unimportant, went over to the intercom and instructed the person to come up. Half a minute later, the person knocked on the door. Marie got up again to answer it, saving me another job. She opened the door and we heard another familiar voice. It was familiar to us and probably to you, seeing as it was a soft, quiet Southern Norwegian accent (that's the word you want Jamie, as opposed to "dialect"), despite the fact that she and her family are from the east of the country. It was Gerta, an old friend of mine. She originally came here to study agriculture at the same university I went to, but liked it here so much she became a citizen.

What's that? You want to know some more about her? Very well. When she first came here, she was timid and shy. She lived with Rolf, an old[er] friend of hers who would later become her boyfriend. As she was moving in with him, she met Marie. At first, it seemed like Marie was going to torment her, but the two of them unexpectedly became friends, most likely due to their shared taste in music - albeit Marie's more into punk rock and Gerta prefers metal; black and death metals to be precise.

'Hej, Marie.'

'Hey Gerta. How are ya doin'?'

The two of them sat down on the couch. At least I think they did, because I didn't see what was going on. Gerta sighed before speaking 'I want to say something.'

'What is it?' Marie asked with genuine interest and - although I may be wrong - sadness.

'You know I am not with Rolf anymore.' I couldn't hear any response from Marie, so I assume she nodded or did something similar. 'I want to tell you why. I...' Gerta paused, as if she was about to choke up. He sighed heavily before completing her sentence. 'I'm a lesbian.' Again, Marie didn't say anything, but it's more than likely she was shocked. 'Not just that, but...' She sighed again. 'Marie Kanker... Jeg elsker deg. I love you.'

There was some silence in the living room. I would walk in to inspect the situation, but I didn't want to intrude and ruin the moment. Just as I began to worry, Marie decided to speak. 'You wanna know something?' I think Gerta nodded, because there wasn't an audible reply. 'Ya know when I came out as bi?' Gerta let out a small squeak, which implies that she remembered. 'A little bit was 'cos of two other girls I met and loved. They probably didn't love me back. But ya know what?'

'What?' Gerta asked, presumably tearing up.

'I love you too.' Marie said it properly. Mainly because she wanted to show how sincere she was. 'I was gonna say back when ya were with Rolf, but I didn't say anythin' 'cos ya looked so happy.'

The two of them kissed for what seemed like thirty seconds. Again, I was listening to them, as I didn't want to intrude. 'Are you OK with this?' Gerta asked. 'Will Eddward be OK with this?'

'Yeah, he'll be fine.' Marie said, trying to calm her friend's nerves. ''Sides, he has his ex-boyfriend living with us. If ya wanna get involved - and make it sorta like a "love arrow" - I can ask him.'

'No, please, don't.' Gerta sounded embarrassed, frightened and almost as if she was going to cry.

'Trust me. Hey Double D. Come in here, we need ya for somethin'.'

Feeling a bit guilty about myself, I walked into the room. There, I saw Marie in a relaxed position, with Gerta's face buried in her chest. 'How can I be of assistance?'

'Gerta wanted to know if she can join our thing.'

'I understand.' I said, possibly interrupted them. 'I heard everything in the kitchen - despite my better judgement - and I would've said "yes" anyway. I assume coming out of the closet took a lot of courage, did it not?'

'Uh-huh.' Gerta said, her face still buried in Marie's chest.

'There are people who would be less kind to you because of it. Some of them might be less kind to Kevin, Marie and I because of our preference to both. They can't grasp the concept of a person being attracted to males and females, so they cancel it out. It's common in television, movies and other places, mostly because they assume the audience can't understand it. But that's irrelevant; not to mention that, had I not stopped, it would've been another uninteresting filibuster that clearly would've ruined the flow.' Marie looked at me confused. 'Never mind. What I'm saying is this: It may seem tough at first, Gerta, but soon you'll come to terms with it.'

She then dug her head out of Marie's chest. She looked at me, smiled and said 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.' I smiled back. She then turned towards Marie and the two of them then kissed.

After much thought, consideration and other such things, I reworked the plan to involve Gerta, who only had eyes for Marie. She and I were the main couple; Kevin lived with us and chipped in whenever he can; and Gerta is someone Marie would see whenever she can. If anyone of us hand an "encounter" with someone outside this arrangement, then it would technically classify as cheating. The day after, Gerta sent an e-mail to her parents and her siblings announcing her new-found sexuality; they were all supportive, with her eldest brother saying that he knew for a while.

Much like last time, it didn't last long. Four months after making the original arrangement, Kevin said he had received a phone call from Nazz. Apparently, she wants to take him back. At first I was confused as to why the two of them would want to get back together. But then I realised that it might be for the best. I wished him the best of luck. Later that evening, I then said to Marie. 'You needn't worry about Kevin interfering in our love life anymore. He's gone back to Nazz.'

'So...'

'It means that we don't need to continue with this polyamory business. I only came up with it because I didn't want to disappoint you or him. Admittedly, it was a bad idea from the get-go but you managed to make the most of it by being with Gerta. Unfortunately, it means we have to return to our monogamous relationship but there's no reason why you two can't still remain friends.'

At first, I was half-expecting her to be angered (the other-half-expecting her to be upset). But, thankfully, she didn't throttle me. She kissed me on the cheek and walked into the bedroom. I joined her and the two of us then proceeded to have an "encounter". I was hoping it would clear my mind of the past four months. It did.

* * *

So here we are in the year 2013. I'm going to be 28 in a few months and the future still looks relatively bright. I work at a university as a Professor of Entomology, which means I teach my students about insects. I live in a reasonably sized house not too far away from work. And, whenever we can, Kevin, Marie and I occasionally congregate here in this café to discuss any matters that occurred after our breakup. Do you want to hear about how they are doing now? Very well, then.

After he left our "meta-relationship", Kevin eventually got back together with Nazz. Last time I checked the two of them showed signs of actually staying together. And, indeed, we remained friends and show no signs of resuming our romantic relationship. In fact, I attended their wedding - seeing as I was the best man - and, indeed, they were both happy. Not one of my loquacious words which implies something greater, but rather just a simple "happy". Apart from still coaching for Peach Creek High, he's also the quarterback for a local amateur football team consisting of gay and bisexual men.

Marie and I stayed together for another year before we decided to end it. Much like with Kevin, she and I are still friendly among one another. And, sadly, we won't be getting back together. Back in February, she married Gerta and took her last name. After all, when you visit a foreign country, I doubt it'll be a good idea if your surname is the Dutch word for "cancer". And, indeed the two of them are currently in Malmö, because of the Eurovision Song Contest; they'll be home today or tomorrow. I received an e-mail from them yesterday, saying that Denmark won this year. I think I also read that Gerta has started calling Marie her "kedvesem"(pronounced ked-veh-shem, according to the e-mail), after one of the entries. I might have to check it out and, if it's any good, I might have to learn the language it's in.

The last I heard of Eddy, he had made a campaign as mayor of Peach Creek, running on a Libertarian platform. He promised to legalise cannabis, which resumed using after finally giving up alcohol (I highly doubt this is a smart idea) among other things. Sadly, he came third out of four contestants; I don't know what percentage of the vote he got as I recycled the newspaper a long time ago - I'll check when I get home. Part of this was a stunt to win back Sarah's heart - as the two had been dating for a year and a three months but broke up because of his constant alcohol usage - and part of it was revenge for being arrested for "possession of illicit substances". He's not downhearted though, as he said he'll make another attempt in five years.

As for everyone else? I know that Ed, despite having little to no impact on my situation, now works as an artist for a comic company. Rumour has it that his company are planning to resurrect "Pimpsmasher", an ultra-violent comic from the early-mid 90s which featured the eponymous Pimpsmasher, a hulking madman who - true to his name - slaughtered pimps in various ways. Again, I'm unable to tell you about it; partially due to there being children around, but mostly because I haven't really read it.

So that's my story. Or, at least, how I remember it, which may explain any inaccuracies. Yet another uninspired tale from an unlikable loon. There might be someone out there for me, I don't know. A number of my students, a few of them being male, have shown some interest in me. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to reciprocate those feelings at the moment, for obvious reasons. But, personally, a relationship isn't all that important to me, but it would be nice.

Sadly, I must be going now. I hope my tale interested you. I certainly won't recommend you follow the same path I do, unless you and everyone else involved is absolutely sure they understand what they're doing. Gone are the heady days of my two friends and I scamming the neighbourhood children out of their well-earned allowance. These days, I'm either a submissive who probably uses what little strength I have to stretch a certain part of my anatomy or a brute who would be more than likely to be called an "asshole" by none other than Christian Grey; with a possible in-between that I very rarely spot. That aside, I wish you all the best with any future endeavours. As for myself? I'm going out to have that cigarette I would've offered you, then return to my abode to mark papers. Take care. See you soon.

* * *

A/N: Not all bisexuals are polyamorous and not all polyamorists are bisexuals. This should be more obvious than Lady Gaga on fire.

So there we have it. A story - which, in my opinion could be better - told by an unreliable narrator who is explaining his love life. Originally, this would've featured Edd being his usual wimpy self before deciding to bulk up (as stated in the opening Author's Notes for chapter 26 of Edarchy). It would've also featured plenty of potshots at yaoi and, obviously, Keveddpalooza. But, in the end, I decided to be a bit more subtle about it. Seriously, there are a number of yaoi stories out there that makes me wish I was straight (and I wish I was joking). But still, although this (and Edarchy) may have handled things like bisexuality in a slightly clumsy matter (not to mention I seem kinda arsehole-ish throughout both), they both do raise two useful hints: 1) Sexuality isn't all black or white (or, in this case, gay or straight) and 2) You don't need to shoehorn your same-sex couple into a seme/uke role.

As I've previously stated, this isn't part of the Edarchy universe. It does borrow a few things from it (if you can spot all the references, then well done) but, in the end, there are parts where they branch off (for example, in Edarchy there wasn't, isn't and never will be any Kevedd). You can find it on my profile or go to page whatever of the M-rated section. In fact, Edarchy takes place in 1998-2001, whereas this is set in the present day; and the Edarchy!characters are exactly a decade older than portrayed in this story, This isn't a plug, by the way, just to let you know.

No, there won't be any explanations. Well, apart from the next paragraph, of course. But if you are confused about anything, feel free to ask in a review or PM me. Or, as some of you might do, just flame me. Yes, how dare I write Kevin and Edd as two normal people who are attracted to men and women. How dare I make them switch. And so on and so forth. But chances are most of the flames would complain about me making fun of yaoi, ignoring the fact that 90% of everything is basically crap (Sturgeon's Law and that) and, indeed, there are a few moments when it deserves a good mocking (albeit a more light-hearted than shown here). I'm also still writing as Edd for some reason. Probably because I'm an idiot, who knows?

I'd like to thank Saltypepper (who wrote Bathtime, an Ed/Edd fic which inspired the whole "betting on Edd's sexuality"); rockpaperscizzorz (one of my earliest friends on here who has written some fairly decent yaoi, though sadly none of it Kevedd); Alan Moore (although some of this might seem a bit like Lost Girls, I have no intention of reading that. However, I have read Watchmen and I hope to read V For Vendetta and Batman: The Killing Joke one day); the Eurovision Song Contest (there was a few good entries this year - like Greece, Hungary, Malta and Bulgaria - but I still want to congratulate Denmark) and many other people. If it looks like I've plagiarised from you, I do apologise. But still, at least I'm not claiming it as my own.

P.S. For those who are wondering: Rob Halford is the lead singer of Judas Priest, as well as the first openly gay heavy metal musician (having came out in 1998). Freddie Mercury - whom you should all know, but I'm explaining here just in case - was the lead singer of Queen (sadly, he died of AIDS in 1991. Saying he'll be missed would be a massive understatement), who - contrary to popular belief - was actually bi. Even when they were both at their campest, they were still incredibly manly.

P.P.S. Sorry for the update, but I'm considering working on a sequel. Please let me know if you want one and, if enough of you do, I'll get to work on it.


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